Chief’s Column: Signs of abuse

n last week’s column, I addressed “Nine Ways Any Adult Can Make Ending Domestic Violence His or Her Business.” This week, in recognition of October being designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the Grafton Police Department would once again like to offer the following information provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Signs of Abuse

Anyone can be an abuser. They come from all groups, all cultures, all religions, all economic levels, and all backgrounds. They can be your neighbor, your pastor, your friend, your child’s teacher, a relative, a coworker…anyone. It is important to note that the majority of abusers are only violent with their current or past intimate partners. One study found 90% of abusers do not have criminal records and abusers are generally law-abiding outside the home.

What Traits Do Abusers Have in Common?

There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. However, they do often display common characteristics.

• An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members.
• An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects.
• An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He or she may appear successful, but internally, they feel inadequate.
• An abuser externalizes the causes of their behavior. They blame their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner’s behavior, a “bad day,” on alcohol, drugs, or other factors.
• An abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a “nice person” to others outside the relationship.

What Are the “Warning Signs” of an Abuser?

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• A bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse
• Extremely controlling behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
• Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the finances
• Abuse of other family members, children or pets
• Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
• Control of what the victim wears and how they act
• Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Harassment of the victim at work

What Can I Do To Be Safe?

Call the police: If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you shall call 911 or your local police. A police officer will respond and arrest the abuser if there is evidence that domestic violence has occurred. The police will also get you medical help if you are injured and discuss your options for a restraining order to keep you safe. It should be noted that a temporary restraining order may be issued even when the courts are closed.

Get support from friends and family: Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened. Ask if you can rely on them during an emergency.

Find a safe place: It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state if necessary.

Anyone with questions for the Chief’s Column may submit them by mail to the Grafton Police Department, 28 Providence Road, Grafton, MA 01519. You may also email your questions or comments to chief@graftonpolice.com. Please include an appropriate subject line, as I do not open suspicious email for obvious reasons.

Normand A. Crepeau, Jr.

Chief of Police